I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Randomize
