New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
