I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
