Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
