if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
