wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Randomize
