Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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