handjob tips. give me some.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Randomize
