Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
It's rum buckets o'clock
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Randomize
