Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
