Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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