I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize