new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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