Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
