Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
high people should be assigned attendants
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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