We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Randomize