he wants to bone in the snuggie
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
I see more hoeing in ur future
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
