I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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