I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
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