whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
