Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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