Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
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