Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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