I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
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