Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Randomize
