he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
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