This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
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