he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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