Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
