i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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