You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
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