i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Randomize
