I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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