i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
