Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
