I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
