the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
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