You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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