I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
