Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
