i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Randomize
