I want to make a zoo with you.
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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