finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
