Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Randomize
