Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize
