You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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