ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
