# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
She needs sedatives and a leash
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
Randomize
