he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
