he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
