i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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