You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
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