Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
