I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
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