does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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