i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
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