as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
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