another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
