If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Randomize
