I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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