I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
